Don’t over-do it.

My fourth grade teacher had us write and illustrate recipes as a homework assignment.  Not knowing this was going to be one of those “look at these cute, ignorant children and smile at their innocence” assignments, I went home and went to WORK.

The teacher made copies of all the recipes, binded them, and handed them  out to all our parents on conference night.  So you flip through the book and see Lindsay’s recipe for pizza:

“first, you get the dough, then you get the sauce, , then you get the cheese and whatever else you like on a pizza.  Pop it in the oven for 10 minutes.”

Then, you’ll see Scott’s “can it be it was all so simple” cherry pie recipe.  It would probably cook up more like a soggy ass cherry sandwich, but hey.  It’s supposed to be cute, right?  On the next page, you will find Bruce’s extensively researched, beautifully written, detailed recipe for CORNED BEEF BRISKET.

…I thought this was gonna be  a reeeeal fuckin recipe book.  So I came WIDIT!  They’ve always said I have an old soul.

“They” also say you learn something new every day.  Thanks for letting me share.

Do you have a better answer?  write in my facebook honesty box, or http://www.formspring.me/brucebriggs –They’re both ANONYMOUS!  Nobody (including me) will know who you really are!

A word to all my rapper friends who like one-night stands:

VIDEOTAPE.

When it comes down to a fake rape charge versus having a sex tape, take the lesser of two “publicity evils” – Besides… If you have to choose,  A sex tape can actually HELP you – publicly AND privately…

if you’re not a trisexual minuteman with a small wanker.

Peace!

Dear Bruce,

Got a question.  Best relationship I’ve been in ever..he’s a good man..things have just seem to run their cousre..I still love him but I feel like I need a break, cause I have so much on my plate n I need room..  he smothers me sumtime..  just wanna hear from neutral source..  got advice?

MMMMM-HMM!

Sorry.

… Um, yes. I happen to have advice for you.

What is your goal?  Do you want to be single, or in a relationship?  If you’re okay with being single, take a break.  If you can’t see yourself without him, stay– and communicate better.

In my own, very personal opinion, 95% of “breaks” that are not 100% mutual are 120% bullshit.  You will always have to deal with “What exactly does this break mean? What are the Dos and Dont’s?”  And if/ when the break is over, there’s this whole “Honesty” thing you will have to deal with about things you’ve done (or haven’t done) while on “break.”

If the break’s not mutual, the only feasible solution I see to this problem is to sit down, and be completely honest with o boy, and tell him how you feel (Every blog reader should be doing that anyway, hint hint).  Tell him everything you wrote me.  Because most times, a “heart-to-heart” is all it takes to refresh a relationship.  Its when feelings are held inside that they come out in other ways.  Ways that can do severe damage to the foundational structure of love.

You may find that even slightly cutting back communication (mutually, of course) drastically changes the relationship for the better.  Maybe 2-3 less phone calls a day. 2-3 less visits a week.  A weekly, dedicated night to yourself.  You’d be surprised.

Not to be too long-winded, but here’s a small suggestion that may help:

You said he “smothers” you sometimes.  That tells me he’s either trying to cut off your air supply with large pillows, or he’s willing to do a helluva  lot for you.  Both of you take a sheet of paper, and write down the things you would like the other person to do to improve the relationship.  Exchange papers, read in silence, then talk.  Good luck!!!

If you have a question you need answered, write in my facebook honesty box, or http://www.formspring.me/brucebriggs –They’re both ANONYMOUS!  Nobody (including me) will know who you really are!

photo courtesy of JessicaFranksen.com

Today… Nobody cares, but oh, tomorrow…. They will… They will…

Dear Bruce,

I’m self conscious about my body.  I have even considered breast implants…  Do you think that it will turn my future mate off?

Sincerely,

Chesty LaRue

Don't get crazy though.

Dear Chesty,

Your ideal mate won’t give a good got damn whether or not your breasts are fake.  He will love you for you. Saggy, small, big, bloated, whatever.  Any man that doesn’t feel that way isn’t cut out for the job.  Its really that simple.

If you have a question you need answered, write in my facebook honesty box, or http://www.formspring.me/brucebriggs –They’re both ANONYMOUS!  Nobody (including me) will know who you really are!

I hardly “hate” anything in life.

I fucking hate alarm clocks.

So: a CAR alarm in the morning, to me, is like a big, angry, mama-alarm-clock that’s super pissed off cuz you messed with their young.

I went to sleep (and woke up) to the sound of one of my neighbor’s mini-van horns.  A white Chrysler “Town & Country”, to be exact.

But this one has a random ass, red back bumper.  And who the fuck even names a van “Town & Country,” anyway?   Why does that remind me of old porches with cold lemonade?  …Stage coaches, and saloons and shit?

I don’t know… I don’t know.  All I know is, this got damned alarm went off for 12 HOURS. straight.   I seriously considered walking across the street, popping the hood, and ripping the fucking horn out.   BEEEP!  BEEEP! From 10:30 pm, BEEEP!  BEEEP! to 10:30 am.   THAT’S when I decided to

call the poe- LEESE!

Yeah, I snitched.  So what?

Coppers show up 5 ticks later (a RECORD time, for my neighborhood). Knock on the neighbor’s door.  A Sudanese lady comes right out, dressed in her traditionals, and simply TURNS HER SHIT OFF.  Five-O leaves, and the neighborhood is quiet again.

…Huh???

Even though I hadn’t bumped this shit since high school, this song has been stuck in my head for the past 3 days.  Next to Big L, AZ is probably the most underrated emcee of all time.  I had to go out and snatch this album again.   You do the same.

A while ago, somebody asked me, “Why are you so relaxed?   Why don’t you ever rush?”  They didn’t ask in a kind way, either… They were frustrated with me.  They interpreted my mild mannerisms as a lack of motivation.   I calmly, and patiently replied,

When you rush, you look like you’ve lost control.  You feel like you’ve lost control.

Repeat after me: There is no bull behind me.

Earl Nightingale put it best:  ”Go at it as you have never done before…  Not in a hectic fashion-- but with the calm, cheerful assurance that time well spent will give you the abundance and return that you want.”

Remember --  This is not Double Dare.  There is no :30 second timer.  Chill the fuck out.

If you still don’t get it, they wrote a song about it.  Like ta hear it?  Here it go.

Erykah has a fat Badu!

Why didn’t you tell me?  What kind of friend are you???  I feel like Arsenio Hall, looking for somebody to slap because nobody told him the cheese was this good!

They say you learn something new every day.  Thanks for letting me share.

Dear Bruce,

Can you explain to me — or help me understand– why I have such an issue letting go?  To sum it up, I’ve been in a bad relationship for two years (and he’s a player), and I know I dont wanna be with him…

But I can’t bring myself to say the words. I don’t believe I even love him.   I just want our relationship to die down witout really saying anything…  I don’t know– I’m extremelyconfused about this, so any helpful advice would be good.

Sincerely,

Penelope Sandler

Dear Penelope,

I consider this an abusive relationship.   Its self-abuse to stay in a situation you know you shouldn’t be in.

You either A) have a fear of being alone, B) you believe you can’t do any better than your current relationship, C) like most people, you’re somewhat clingy, and you’re just used to having him around,

Or D) …all of the above.

In any case, don’t be too hasty to pull the “breakup trigger”.   Its better to stay– until you convince yourself you can leave forever– instead of leaving right now, and bouncing back to him next week.  Leaving a relationship is almost always a big step, and you want to make sure you don’t go back if you leave.

Picture yourself being completely single, and HAPPY.  Hold onto that vision.  Hold onto those good feelings.     Then, kick him in the McNuggets and run like hell.

Just kidding.

♫ Guess you’re NOT so stingaaaaaaayyy… ♫