No gimmicks, no fillers.  Just real music.

No, my blog has not been hacked by a vindictive ex girlfriend.

Come to think of it, I shouldn't have given her this idea...

And NO, I don’t have Tourette’s syndrome.

Yesterday morning, I walked outside and noticed a perfectly smooth piece of pre-owned Winterfresh chewing gum hanging from the dark, sinister underbelly of my peeling, black metal porch railing.

Immediately, I came to the only logical conclusion there was:  There’s a diabolically evil, toothless elderly gentleman lurking in the bushes, gumming gum to death, hanging it from porch railings.

I see what you did there… No teeth marks, no evidence.  Well played, old man.

You win... THIS time...

The next morning, I walk outside, and the gum still hasn’t dropped off.  Just then, a weather-beaten, 1998 Mercury Sable sputters past, blasting Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor.”  

So, I did what any curious person would do:

Poked it with a stick.

To my surprise, it was hard.

(That’s what she said.)

So, I poked it again, and it BURST OPEN.

(That’s what HE said.)

And oozed a green liquid. What the fuck??? Ok, now, we’re getting invaded by aliens.

aaaannnd…. I’m OUT this bitch.

I went back in the house, and decided to use my black-belt in “Google-Fu,” cuz i’m cold-blooded like that.  After trying entries like  ”Green eggs”, and filtering through thousands of search results peppered with “construction worker orange” colored books written by Dr. Seuss, I had an epiphany.

I googled “green cocoon”.

I killed a baby butterfly.

...Its actually kinda turquoise.

I should’ve taken my own advice:  Nobody wins with violence.

Yoked up.

No... But thank you! That was very considerate.

Turtlenecks hide hickeys from make-up sex. Common knowledge.

Yes the fuck you did.

Black woman + Cheating man = Arson. Elementary mathematics.

Not even you, Academy Award-winning Actor Denzel Washington.

.

.

.

School is cool. Say no to drugs. Just walk away. et cetera.

Well damn!  NBC FINALLY let him get his cape out the cleaners!

A word to all my rapper friends who like one-night stands:

VIDEOTAPE.

When it comes down to a fake rape charge versus having a sex tape, take the lesser of two “publicity evils” – Besides… If you have to choose,  A sex tape can actually HELP you – publicly AND privately…

if you’re not a trisexual minuteman with a small wanker.

Peace!

photo courtesy of JessicaFranksen.com

Today… Nobody cares, but oh, tomorrow…. They will… They will…

I hardly “hate” anything in life.

I fucking hate alarm clocks.

So: a CAR alarm in the morning, to me, is like a big, angry, mama-alarm-clock that’s super pissed off cuz you messed with their young.

I went to sleep (and woke up) to the sound of one of my neighbor’s mini-van horns.  A white Chrysler “Town & Country”, to be exact.

But this one has a random ass, red back bumper.  And who the fuck even names a van “Town & Country,” anyway?   Why does that remind me of old porches with cold lemonade?  …Stage coaches, and saloons and shit?

I don’t know… I don’t know.  All I know is, this got damned alarm went off for 12 HOURS. straight.   I seriously considered walking across the street, popping the hood, and ripping the fucking horn out.   BEEEP!  BEEEP! From 10:30 pm, BEEEP!  BEEEP! to 10:30 am.   THAT’S when I decided to

call the poe- LEESE!

Yeah, I snitched.  So what?

Coppers show up 5 ticks later (a RECORD time, for my neighborhood). Knock on the neighbor’s door.  A Sudanese lady comes right out, dressed in her traditionals, and simply TURNS HER SHIT OFF.  Five-O leaves, and the neighborhood is quiet again.

…Huh???

Even though I hadn’t bumped this shit since high school, this song has been stuck in my head for the past 3 days.  Next to Big L, AZ is probably the most underrated emcee of all time.  I had to go out and snatch this album again.   You do the same.

♫ Guess you’re NOT so stingaaaaaaayyy… ♫

First, she corrects my spelling… Now, THIS?

twitter.com/YoNani

I don’t even know why I still follow her… She just makes me mad.