Apr
21
2008
1

Super-Hero Showers…

How long is the average person supposed to shower? Of course, the infamous “four minute shower” always raises questions, as well as eyebrows… But is there a such thing as “too long” of a shower? I’ve been told I take unnecessarily lengthy showers.

My question to my questioners is, how many times do you wash your ass? Do you give your body a quick “once-over”, rinse off, and jump out? Is it a race to beat your record time? I think showers should be taken with care. My showers, on average last 20 minutes. So here’s 6 reasons why Yours should last at least 10.

  1. Because you should wash your body more than once. You know that saying, “Lather, rinse, repeat”? That’s literal. Wash and rinse at least 2-3 times.
  2. You need to wash your belly button, ears, between toes, and ass crack/hole every single time. Don’t feel bad, these are commonly neglected body parts.
  3. Just because you take a shower every day does not entitle you to quickies. Deep clean, you little filthy rat bastard.
  4. You should scrub your anus at least 2 good minutes. Concentrate your forces.
  5. Because you should have THREE separate towel systems going: One for your face, one for your body, and one for your genitalia/ ass. 99.2% of you use one washcloth to save time. Ugh.
  6. You spend 99.2% of the day running around collecting dirt, then try to compensate by spending less than 1% washing it off. Doesn’t make sense mathematically.

So… The next time you think about giving somebody a hard time because they take longer than you in the shower, remember this message. And take my words as a learned lesson, and an opportunity to better wash that stankin ass.

Editor’s note: This is just a refresher course (no pun intended). We at Bruce’s Thought of the Day realize that it’s been 15 to 25 years since your mother gave you your last and only lesson on washing your ass. Don’t take offense, it’s not meant for anybody personally. But if you were offended, this message is for you.

We’re tired of catching elusive whiffs of your body odor…Covertly bundled in Irish Spring and Axe Body Spray. We can never figure out where this dash of funk is coming from. It’s because you took a Super-Hero shower. I mean, what were you thinking? Did you have a planet to save? What’s your excuse?

These are the things I think about…

–BB

Written by Bruce Briggs in: Bruce's Thought of The Day! |
Apr
18
2008
3

Pleasure & Pain

One of my favorite cereals is Cap’n Crunch. Crunch Berries. It knocks King Vitamin’s off-brand ass out the box. Or maybe off the box. Whatever.


But am I the only one that gets the roof of their mouth cut up? And even though it feels like it’s bleeding, the cereal is so good, you want another bowl. It would make a good modern day torture device. Maybe they should make this cereal like Gushers fruit snacks, but instead of fruit filling, it bursts open with Neosporin.


Don’t get me wrong. You can still get your mouth cut the f#@k up eating King Vitamin, but it’s not worth the risk… For what??? It doesn’t taste as good, and all they give you for your troubles is a cardboard cut-out of a mask that you’re going to have to tear from the box because your mom won’t let you use scissors, and she’s too lazy to cut it out herself. <--Run-on sentence. And don't even dare ask her for a piece of string to tie it around your head. You're gonna have to hold it.


And if you look closely, King Vitamin could have sued the Burger “King” for copyright infringement… If they had enough money in their budget for a copyright!
Now look even closer… Mystery Queen??? Who could she be? Mr. E. Queen? Mr. Edward Queen? Or Mr. Eric Queen maybe? Better check that adam’s apple. Which is coincidentally covered up by a necklace and medallion.
These are the things I think about…

–BB

Written by Bruce Briggs in: Bruce's Thought of The Day! |
Apr
17
2008
0

Is It Just Me….


Or does Prince look like Jafar from Aladdin?


I mean come on… Arched eyebrows…. Purple eyeshadow…. Creepy thin mustache…. Who do they think they’re fooling?

They better hope he doesn’t sue for copyright infringement… Or it’ll be known as “The Company Formerly Known as Disney”…!

These are the things I think about…

–BB

Written by Bruce Briggs in: Uncategorized |
Apr
16
2008
1

The Name of the Game is… Well.. the Name Game.

It’s always very amusing to find out somebody has a first name for a last name. Example: “Johnathan Allen.” It’s even funnier when they have a last name for a first name. Like “Carter Hancock.” But one thing I can’t stand is when I hear about a kid with a nickname for a first name.
There’s a difference between exotic and ghetto. If you’re looking for a unique name, look for one that still has meaning and character. Don’t just make one up, or name your child after useless consumer products.
Here are a few examples of what NOT to name your newborn baby:

Dorito

Lexus

Kodak

Duracell

or Neutrogena

Because you might live to regret it. But they will most definitely live to regret it.  How do you expect these babies to get jobs???
Other names that won’t work: A name that’s so ridiculously ghetto, it sounds like a joke… Like “Felony.” Or any name with over 3 syllables or 10 letters (with the exception of Christopher).

These are the things I think about…

–BB

Written by Bruce Briggs in: Uncategorized |
Apr
15
2008
1

In Real Life: The Trials and Tribulations of Transformers…

In real life, I think it would be hard work being a Transformer. I mean, wouldn’t they run into a little trouble when it comes to getting registered, insured, and plated? Think about it… they’re alien robots. So their VIN #s wouldn’t be in the system… would they?

They would probably have to have an inside man working at the DMV. Or they could go to a chop shop, have their original VIN # filed down, and replaced with one off the same type of vehicle… Uh…. Not that I would know anything about that process… I’m just guessing…

–Anyway, what about the problematic ex-girlfriend that tries to key your car, and politely walk away whistling…not knowing it’s a TRANSFORMER…??? Would the transformer blow its cover to defend its honor as a shiny new car?
And what if they get towed? Do they just stand up, and walk off, like “This is some ol’ bull*%^@…” Dragging the tow-truck down the street, in ball-and chain fashion?

…I could go on forever. But i’m gonna leave it right there. Sounds like they have enough problems as it is.

These are the things I think about.

–BB

Written by Bruce Briggs in: Bruce's Thought of The Day! |
Apr
14
2008
0

Secret Lovers

You wanna know one thing I absolutely love? Stickers that peel off good. You know what i’m talking about. When you decide you don’t want a sticker somewhere anymore, you peel it off, and it doesn’t give you any back talk. And not because it’s scared of getting smacked down either. It’s just conflict free. Like those little bar code stickers Borders puts on the back of their books. Lovely.

Why don’t they make all stickers like that? Why does there have to be a variation of difficulty when it comes to sticker peeling? I mean, is there some asshole out there making stickers that are hard to peel off? That’s just wrong.

But by far, the most ass-holish sticker in existence has to be the “Tow Notice” sticker. Cuz you have to remove that sumbitch with a razor blade and finger-nail polish remover. It’s the Hitler of stickers. A dictating tyrant. You’ll get a grip on the sticker, thinking you’re gonna rip it off in one smooooth stroke… But this over-confidence only lasts for a split second. Then, you realize you’re not Ron O’Neal pimp slapping one of his hoes, and this isn’t gonna happen in one motion. Time to flip out.

These are the stickers that you’ll fight somebody over, if you ever catch them applying one to your freshly windexed glass. But why kill the puppet and leave Geppetto alive? Let’s ban together, form an angry mob, and go blow up the factory!!!

These are the things I think about.
-BB

Written by Bruce Briggs in: Uncategorized |
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