Brucie B Clears His Throat!

Kanye West + Levar Burton= Baron Davis. It’s funny, because it’s true.

My boy Asher shot his 1st music video today. We were all over the place. If you haven’t heard about Asher Roth by now, ask somebody, or act like you know. If you don’t know how to act, then take some classes. In the case you can’t afford school, you’re still in luck… Because it pays to know somebody handsome and gorgeous like me.

By the way… If you still haven’t seen or heard what he can do, click HERE!

Visit The Daily Kush for more on Asher Roth! Trust me. You’ll NEVER regret clicking that link. Ever.

This dude can really spit. Raw talent.

Check out his myspace: myspace.com/asherroth

and his blog: The Daily Kush

I’m real big on mumbling. When we’re too lazy to talk, we put the english language in the blender, and hit “Liquefy”. It’s human nature. No big deal. And the interpretations of these mumbles are universal, but they’re not printed or defined… SO leave it up to me, Bruce, to do that for you.

Mmm-Mmm: No. Declined.

Huh? What?

Mmm-Hmm/ Uh huh: Yes

Hmmm… (Thinking)

MMMM!!!! (something’s appealing or good to you, but can be sharpened if you see a pretty girl)

Mmm-mmm-mmm I know you’re like “uh…..what the hell?” This is the sound you make when you’re too lazy to say “I don’t know”.

I could think of more, but i’m too lazy. And if I could have, I would have mumbled this blog entry.

I think I’m going to make up my own mumble and see what happens..

Hmm-mmm-huh-hmm: Watch out for that guy with the pedophile glasses.

These are the things I think about.

–BB

“The Dozens” is an element of the African-American oral tradition in which two competitors, usually males, go head to head in a competition of often good-natured, ribald “trash talk”, more widely known as “Yo Mama Jokes. They take turns insulting one another, their adversary’s mother or other family member until one of them has no comeback.

1. Yo mama so fat, she needs a bookmark to find her necklace.
2. Your head is so big, your barber needs a map to cut your hair.
3. Yo mama got a glass eye with the fish in it.

4. Yo mama so fat, her cereal bowl came with a free lifeguard.

5. Yo mama so black, she went to night school and was marked absent.

6. Yo mama so black, she bleeds smoke.

7. Yo mama so fat, her picture takes two frames.

8. Yo mama so ugly her reflection quit.

9. Yo mama so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

10. Yo Mama so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.

11. Yo Mama so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

12. Yo mamma so fat, she tried to sit up, and rocked herself to sleep.

These are the things I think about..

–BB

Think about it…

8. A map. Or a phone with mapquest on it. Or a gps system. Gotta love technology.
7. A flashlight. Women, a glow-in-the-dark dildo will not work as an adequate substitute.
On second thought… I guess it depends on what you were trying to use the flashlight for…

6. A disposable camera. Because after that asshole (by the way…is asshole one word, or two?) smashes into the back of you, and admits fault, he’ll talk to two or 3 people who change his mind before he makes an insurance claim. The camera is like the silent snitch.

5. Spare change. You never know when you might have to unexpectedly park at a meter. And you also never know when you’re being stalked by the Parking Meter Police. Or Meter Maid or whatever. (see #1 for an alternative use)

4. Napkins. Just because you’re not 3, doesn’t mean you’re not prone to spills or accidents. It also doesn’t mean you won’t get that unexpected booger on your way to a job interview, that you’ll have to wipe under your seat, if you don’t have a napkin. Don’t act like you don’t know about that. Seriously.

3. A charged up old cell phone. On a serious note, this is something you should really consider keeping in your glove box. In case of an emergency, you can always dial 911, even if the phone is disconnected.

2. A gas can. And no, not to hustle people for $5 to $10 (which is, statistically speaking, the most commonplace use of a gas can). The worst thing in the world is: running out of gas, walking to the nearest gas station, only to find out they don’t sell gas cans. Seriously. I know it’s been milked more than an elderly cow, but life REALLY IS like a box of chocolates… Which the gas station also does not sale.
1. Flying objects (for road rage). Yes, a horrible CD will work fine, but some fun alternatives are: Pocket change, (pennies work the BEST) Peanut M&Ms or Skittles. I prefer pocket change, or dice. After being taunted for two miles in traffic, the dice came in handy for me. And turned my frown upside down. AND I have a funny story to tell! The gift that keeps on giving.

Peace!

These are the things I think about…

–BB

Don’t be deceived! The person taking your order can hear everything. It’s an intercom. How many times have you been in the drive thru, and the person you’re with decides to act a monkey?

“They can’t hear us!”

But i’m sure they can. And they’re armed with a headset, and the uncanny ability to mix ANYTHING into your McFlurry.

Should these employees be treated less than human because they skate around on greasy floors in off-brand, black sneakers? Should the dude who hands you the straws with your change be made fun of…because he looks like the late, great Frederick Douglass?

Those people take their jobs seriously. It’s a committment. A pledge.

But the people you’re riding with, don’t always take the employee’s job seriously. They talk to the person taking the order like they are their bitch lover. Don’t forget: It’s not Subway. You can NOT see them preparing your food.

When i play the passenger in this scenario, and the driver leans over to ask me what I want, I say, “Aww naw player. I’m cooool.” And I say it just like that. It’s a script. Because not only do I want to avoid deliberately and maliciously contaminated food, I coincidentally lost my appetite while thinking of ways they’re deliberately and maliciously contaminating the food.

–Anyway. When i’m the driver, and the person i’m with starts to buck, I just smack em in the teeth before they can utter a complete phrase. “Ay…. Ay… My fries better be” ***BAAAP!!!***

When I have other people in the drive-thru with me, I don’t even like them to tell or laugh at miscellaneous jokes in a background conversation. You never know what might set somebody off. And I bet they probably have a chart that determines what you get according to your insult.

“Hmm… Sounds like she kind of giggled between ordering 2 hot pies and the Sprite with no ice… Ok. That’s not too serious, so I’m finna give her this patty that i’m about to accidentally drop on the floor…”

And YES. Finna is a real word. It means “Fixing to.” Derived from “About to”.
Like when two people are “finna” fight.

But this is one of the only times in life where it’s actually necessary to kiss and caress somebody’s ass. They’re cooking your food. You’ll be pissed off even if you get the old lettuce. Or if it looked like somebody poked a hole in your bun. So what do you think you’ll gain by being disrespectful?

Me personally, I flirt. Because hey. They’re at work. It’s not like they can ask for my phone number! Try it next time. Say something like, “Damn girl. That tooth is sexy!”

…These are the things I think about! Some more than others!

–BB

Who came up with the idea to shake sticks at stuff? And at what point is there too much stuff to shake them at? Think about it… “That girl’s got more… (get your mind out of the gutter) pairs of shoes than you can shake a stick at.”

Was it that pair that she bought last week that sent her over the top? So…ok, before that, you could successfully shake a stick at her shoes, now you cant? You’re sitting around watching Sanford and Son, with your little cousin JB, and you sporadically decide to go stick shaking. This sounds like the event of the week in the backwoods of a densely populated, hillbilly hick-town.

…And for some reason, all I can picture is Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel yelling out, “HEY JB… Let’s go shake sticks at stuff.” He responds, “Ok Cletus. Hows about Sara’s shoes…?” So they go to Sara’s, only to discover she has a NEW PAIR. Cletus defiantly says, “Aw naw.. Naw, JB. It can’t be done. Them right there’s more shoes than you can shake a stick at.”