Brucie B Clears His Throat!

Throw a party, and name it after a popular SONG TITLE!!!

I mean, who WOULDN’T want to attend the “Hop Up Out The Beeeeedddd…. Then I Turn My Swag ONNNNNNN…” BASH??? I mean, its a SONG TITLE. That’s how you KNOW its good.  AND its a BASH.  Shit’s gon be WACK if its not a BASH, son. And if you don’t see enough people filing through the door, simply hold the line. THAT’LL make it seem like there are SOO many people in there, you won’t EVER know if that was a girl or a GUY softly caressing your ass.

As an added bonus, towards the end of the night, the aid of police pepper spray will make the club clear out faster than a spastic colon after a box of TOTAL RAISIN BRAN.  How could you lose???

You gotta love dude’s boldness to post a mock dance video of one of the greatest songs of all time, but doesn’t he kinda look like he’s being forced? I mean… Did he lose a large poker bet? Was this a demanding request from his dominant, masculine wife? …Does the camera man have a gun?  You be the judge.

But PROPS for him knowing damn near the whole routine!

P.S… I asked before, and I’ll ask again…What the FLUCK happened to R&B???

…and they say HIP HOP is dead… HA!

What is it about the traditional beige trench coat that insinuates butt-nakedness? Why is THAT the exhibitionist’s ultimate garment of choice? Why not wear a parka? A pea-coat?

Nobody really knows. Especially when there’s so many creative alternatives, why settle for a trench?  Why not an over-sized superhero cape? Or a national flag?  If I was gonna flash somebody, I’d just wear long pajamas with the ass out.  You know… The old school joint with the booty hatch and the feet sewn in?  Extremely effective for MILDLY indecent exposure.  HEY.  I’m not lettin any strangers see MY batteries. Fuck THAT shit, dude.

P.S… Where the fuck are their INSTRUMENTS plugged into???

OH.. So I never finished tellin yall what happened the night “Blah Blah” cooked dinner (Whole Chicken In A Can, and Squeeze Bacon)!

I was trying to find a way out of the situation… So I thought, “What would Blah Blah do?”  I had a flashback to her breaking my fish tank in my living room, and the bullshit excuse she made up about suddenly having to return her grandma’s DVD rentals.  I jump up and say, “GOTTA GO, Blah Blah. I have to return “Meet The Fockers,” and “Madagascar 2.”
“I slaved over a rusty can-opener for YOU?” She shouted.  “I chipped a nail peeling the safety plastic off the squeeze bacon for THIIIS? I could’ve kept the seal on it!”

As I’m briskly speed walking to the door, I calmly reply, “What can I say… You know those Hollywood Video late fees are an unstoppable rebel force.”  AND I gotta change the little paper towel thingy on my Swiffer Wet Jet.
Dipped out.

Check out the newest joint from hip-hop recording artist Hype Digg. Expect more hot shit like this soon!

Click HERE for more Hype Digg!

Learn your shit and support the “knock-off” movement!

I know the sneakerheads are gonna KILL me for this one.  Especially my baby sister’s boyfriend.   But hey!  Its 50 Ways to Survive the Recession! I’m trying to help YOOOU out, faithful blog reader! We’re goin IN!

First of all, if you’re even OPEN to the idea of arm-wrestling with a mangled gold zipper to open a knock-off Louis Vuitton handbag, or squeaking down the court in knock-off Jordans that might burst at the seams any given pivot, that tells me three things: 1) you don’t hang around people that will criticize you,  and/or 2) you don’t hang around people who constantly analyze and appraise your wardrobe like you’re some item on the fucking Antiques Roadshow, and/or 3) You like to save money, but still look good. And/oooor… your ass is just cheap.

Either way, the 46th way to survive the recession IS: Find the BEST knock-offs money can buy. Compare them to the real joints under close scrutiny. And if you ever get called on your bullshit, just say, “HEY… These were a gift!”
Thanks, little indian.

Day-old donuts.  Yes.

If you already eat snack food without thinking twice, or checking for an expiration date, this one’s for yoooou. Hit up your local supermarket or bakery, and go nuts on that ‘Reduced for Quick Sale’ rack.

Sure, they might be a couple of hours from being stale enough to make you raise an eyebrow that would rival the confident nightly news anchor’s… But you can fight back SINGLE HANDEDLY: with a wet paper towel, 10 seconds in a microwave, and WIN. Every time.

These are just suggestions… I don’t speak from experience.  I’m just educated, son.

Remember back in the day, when being a fan of a musician or group was HARD WORK? You had to actually go to a show, purchase an album from the store, or pay somebody to make you a mixtape or burned cd?  And you took it personal when somebody else was singing ‘YOUR song’? You had to know your shit, or somebody would call you on it. FAST.

I remember when Jay-Z’s “Vol. 2, Hard Knock Life” dropped. I knew all the words to all the songs within the first week of its release.   Where I’m from, its generally noticed that people catch onto hot music and trends fairly slow, as opposed to larger cities…  So it was no question: when the lead single, “Hard Knock Life” dropped, everybody was on Hov’s nuts.  Okay cool. But hardly anybody I knew actually went out and purchased the album when it was released.

Then, Jigga dropped “Originator 99″ as a late single, and EVERYBODY and their baby’s mom’s brother was bumpin that shit.  The “sleepers.” It gave me a ‘youo-no nothin about that shit’ attitude… I mean, don’t get me wrong.. When its hot, its hot. But the bandwagon music listening crowd used to PISS me off.

However, the bandwagon listening crowd has been eclipsed by a new group of young leeches… The Google Search Fans.  You know a few. I used to date one.  They try to act like they know whats up with a particular artist or group, but in actuality, they can only name songs, lyrics, group members, and tracks by searching for them on google.com…  Or, they try to put you up on some underground artist they JUST found, and say something like, “OH MY GOD… You’ve NEVER heard of _______?”

I love technology, I love music, and I love for people to learn about shit.   But these people are fakin the funk harder than a new can of AXE Body Spray.  After P.E. class. With a teacher who takes his job a little too serious.
Later bitches, TTYN.

So I get a call. Guess who? That’s right: “Blah Blah.” She STILL feels bad about breaking the fish tank in the living room, so she’s trying everything in her power to make it up to me.  Right now, she’s trying to display her power through her cooking skills.

She invites me over, says she wants to cook for me. My first thought was, “Now THAT’S what I’M talkin bout!” My second thought didn’t rear its head until I JUST saw what was for dinner…

“Canned Whole Chicken” and “Squeeze Bacon,” Blah Blah? What the fuck is that? Are they even real products?

So she goes on to explain how the chicken is already cooked, and that’s actually 100% real bacon.  Frantically, I looked in the cabinet for something else to eat. Ramen Noodles. Ramen Noodles. Powdered eggs.  Ramen Noodles…. Flavor-Aid?  Oh Lord.  I gotta get up outta here. She’s in the bathroom… I need to think of an excuse, PDQ (that’s ‘pretty damn quick’)!!!
–Sent from my iPhone