Brucie B Clears His Throat!

1. Nobody gets to see my batteries.    OR my scar from my “Nut Tuck” surgery.
2. I could keep my ‘bacne’ a secret… (whoops!)
3.  Nobody would see the “Kick-Ass” Monopoly Boot tattoo I have on my left butt cheek:

4. It would save my mother from a heart attack, brought on by embarrassment.

5. I could keep people believing I have the 18th largest penis in North America. Why 18th? I want it to sound believable.

Black people tend to nod up… White people tend to nod down… But everybody does it.

After very careful and studious research, I have come to the conclusion that only the most VALUABLE things in life suffer from this rebel disease:

Bacon

bacon,

comfortable clothes,

Super Mario Bros,

and my penis in cold water.

Remember how they used to give away CARTOONS like they give away REALITY SHOWS?  Hammerman, Waynehead, Pro Stars (Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Bo Jackson) Kid N Play,  you name it.  Everybody who was ANYBODY had one.

These shows seemed like GOOD ASS ideas at the time.  Great promotional vehicles for the celebrity.  There was no way they could fail.  Although, there were obviously some things they overlooked…
Like the fact that Kid N Play’s ANIMATORS didn’t have a LICK OF RHYTHM. How can CARTOONS dance so stiff and off beat??? That’s actually a fuckin accomplishment.

Or like the fact that MC Hammer’s rap on the INTRO of his show sucked more ASS than a toilet seat equipped with a built-in VACUUM…  And the show should’ve been about magical PARACHUTE PANTS, not shoes. DUH.  I can NOT be the only person who thought of that.
Now that i think about it, I shouldn’t have even blogged about this shit.  Cuz like an ex girlfriend, these shows take me back, but they just end up pissing me off…

Get on Facebook, find the WORST possible picture of the person you’re interested in, and ask yourself if you’re still interested.  Cuz that might be how they’ll really look after awhile.

Who DOES this…? Honestly…?  And homie on the computer looks over like, “This type of shit happens every daaaay…”

Good memories… Oh, and shouts out to Ralph Tresvant and Paula Abdul for having their moves stolen!

“!$ !T UR FAULT !F UR X TAK$ UR FR!3NDSH!P N THNK OF IT AS A S3C0ND CHANC3 IS IT UR FAULT?!? 3VN TH0 U TLD H3R U JUS G0T 0UT 0F A R3LA. & BAS!CALL! WAS JUS L00K”

Bruce sez:  Uhhhhhh…. What the hell? What the fuck is THIS? How did the letter E convert into a DOLLAR SIGN?  , If I wanted LAUNCH CODES to the USS Enterprise, I would’ve kidnapped that Professor X lookin boy from STAR TREK.

This status update should’ve been followed by, “This message will self-destruct in FIVE seconds.” OOOOORRR: “A critical error has occurred. Windows will now shut down.”

One thing’s for sure: Nobody will ever crack this weirdo’s MYSPACE password.  He probably gets the little green meter that says, “Very strong.”
This has been:

Last night, I dreamed I was the 6th member of the R&B group Dru Hill.   We were getting ready to go on stage, and I was like, “We’re gonna perform ‘Tell Me’ next!  I don’t know how or WHY I was runnin shit.  Sisqo didn’t step up.  The sound man cued the music, and we ran onstage… While we were on our way out, I suddenly realized, “Whoa… I don’t know ANY of these DANCE MOVES!!!”  I had to improvise FAST… told them boys to start pullin ladies out the crowd, and onstage for a dance and serenade.

The rest of the group snatched up all the cutie pies before I had the chance…  I was left to choose between an overweight wildebeest lookin ass broad, and a gay dude with a bad, burnt out perm.  WILDEBEEST IT IS.  And no more TACO BELL MEXICAN PIZZAS before bed.

“Here we go once again. I got this rat ass bitch texting my phone talking shit about me and my son. My son tho…. ***** and his baby mama ********* is really about to get fucked up. I don’t play when it comes to my child. And the bad thing about it…. ***** is your son too. You pussy ass nigga that why niggas is out here tryna kill you and trust somebody gone knock ya ass off fucking with me and mines”

Bruce Sez:  (deeeeeep sigh…) Where do I start??? ….Maybe its better that I don’t even begin.
This has been:

“REAL LIFE! WHY MY EX EX EX LIKE THE MAN THAT TOOK MY VIRGINITY BEEN TRYING TO KEEP N TOUCH.  OKAY SO HE KEEPS JUST BEING LIKE I’M TRYIN TO GET U I’M THINKIN U HAD ME WHY WUD I TRAVEL BACKWARDS?  AM I WRONG 4 THIS? THEY ALWAYS REALIZE WHEN IM GONE MY EX TRIED THIS SAME ISSH UNTIL I SHUT HIM DOWN NO JOKE! TRUE STORY

Ok, I’m thinking: Why “WUD” you put THIS in your status update? Shouldn’t this be a message to your close, personal friend who keeps all your secrets?  No? Alright. I guess its okay, since its REAL LIFE! NO JOKE! TRUE STORY!

Discretion, people.  Social networks are not cell phone service providers.  Status updates are not text messages.  Your audience is not your close, personal friend who keeps all your secrets.  Not only do you look dumb, we just don’t give a fuck.

This has been:

I’m being haunted by an old World Geography book I lost in high school… I mean, I paid the FINE, since according to school staff, that was “the only way I could receive my diploma,” but it obviously wasn’t enough.

In the haunting, the book comes up to me every night, opens up, and says, “Theeee ooooonly waaaay you can stop thiiiis haunting is to name your next chiiild Prentice Hall…”  Then it slams shut in my face. Boom.

Am I going CRAZY???  Or is World Geography’s punk ass just mad cuz its getting replaced by GPS?  Sorry World Geography, but I don’t think anybody’s interested in the warm, waterlogged soil of rice paddies anymore.