“Wow i really have nothing to say”.
Then why the fuck did you post a status update in the first place?! I just wasted 5 calories reading that dumb shit! There’s a place for people like you, that have nothing to say… Its called AWAY from the KEYBOARD.
This has been
Do you have any “dummfux” as friends on Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter? Email their retarded ass updates to bruce@brucebriggs.com
Enjoy this video, directed by me and Anthony Hadley
Romello deMarco -- “Toilet Papers”
A man chair is the chair that men sit in while their partner is shopping for long periods of time. They can be found in almost any clothing or shoe store. What can we, as men do while our girlfriends or wives are shopping? we can sit in a man chair.
There is NO boredom worse than this… That shit is like JAIL. All you can do is sit there and WAIT.
“Women be shoppin, baby… Women be SHOPPINNN!!!”
via urbandictionary.
Ok… NO. Nobody thinks you’re laughing, you’re updating your FACEBOOK status. Are you talking to Facebook? What happened? Are you getting your notifications 15 minutes late, like me? Hell, it makes me upset, too.. But not mad enough to update my status and refer to facebook as a boy who needs to grow into adulthood so he can spoil your complaining ass!
No, you’re NOT talking to facebook? OH. Then o boy’s inbox must be BROKEN, his phone must be disconnected, and the video on SKYPE is fuckin up. OH… I get it.
Common replies to posts like these include:
1. The standard “nosy” inquiry: “Damn, what happened?”
2. The unwanted, generic advice: “Everything will work out. Trust me. Time heals all wounds.”
3. The vulture: “You would never have these problems with me…”
and finally,
4: the token, hatin-ass homegirl: “Fuck em!”
P.S… This status is NOT the property of Bruce Briggs, Bruce Briggs’ significant other, or their past romantic affiliates! This has been nothing more than another:
I know you haven’t seen me in a little while, but I’m writing this letter to let you know that I’m officially leaving you…
Lately, you’ve put on a lot of weight. You just seem so bulky. You take way too long to do what I want you to do. The more you try to be like all the others, the uglier you seem to get. Are you not happy with yourself? You should just be YOU.
In the beginning, things were great. You reconnected me with a lot of people I never thought I’d see again. But with that, you started letting in people I didn’t know. I always used to urge you to use some prevention. You didn’t… you started using these people to try to give me viruses. Where did we go wrong?
Then you started letting all these rappers in. I saw you the other day, and you looked like SHIT. I checked my mailbox, only to see you let wanna-be musicians and janky promoters FLOOD my mailbox with junk mail. I don’t really care about them, all I wanted was YOU. Now, every time I think about you, I think about them. That’s no good!!! You used to be so personal… I thought we had something.
You keep changing your clothes, putting on too much makeup, trying to get attention. You party too fuckin much. You should’ve never changed.
I think you should know, In my absence, I’ve been seeing Facebook. She’s clean, wholesome, and responsive. Sometimes we run into minor problems, but she stays on top of her shit.
I’m outie
–BB
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff……
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Has anybody figured this out yet?
I have been on Facebook since early 2005. Back when you had to be a college student to get an account. Back when, if you were not a college student, you had to steal your sister’s college email address just to sign up (Hey- Don’t judge me). But I STILL haven’t figured out what a “poke” is. Here is the gospel according to Bruce:
There are 3 kinds of “poke”.
a) To have sex with. To make love to. To bang-bang.
2) to prod or push, esp. with something narrow or pointed, as a finger, elbow, stick, etc.: to poke someone in the ribs.To poke a dead body.
and
d) that swine.
I don’t know about you, faithful blog reader, but I take facebook “poking” as flirting. But nobody seems to want to admit that. If it’s not, then why don’t grown men facebook poke other grown men?
If somebody poked you in person, and yall stood there “poking” each other back and forth, what would it mean? Would it still be ‘cute and innocent’, or would it be an unwanted invasion? A popping of the bubble that is your personal space?
Next time, think twice before you click that little blue alien-probe looking finger!
The message on Rodney Bradford’s Facebook page, posted at 11:49 a.m. on Oct. 17, asked where his pancakes were. The words were typed from a computer in his father’s apartment in Harlem.
At the time, the sentence, written in street slang, was just another navel-gazing, cryptic Facebook status update — meaningless to anyone besides Mr. Bradford. But when Mr. Bradford, 19, was arrested the next day as a suspect in a robbery at the Farragut Houses in Brooklyn, where he lives, the words took on greater importance. They became his alibi.
His defense lawyer, Robert Reuland, told a Brooklyn assistant district attorney, Lindsay Gerdes, about the Facebook entry, which was made at the time of the robbery. The district attorney subpoenaed Facebook to verify that the words had been typed from a computer at an apartment at 71 West 118th Street in Manhattan, the home of Mr. Bradford’s father. When that was confirmed, the charges were dropped.
“This is the first case that I’m aware of in which a Facebook update has been used as alibi evidence,” said John G. Browning, a lawyer in Dallas who studies social networking and the law. “We are going to see more of that because of how prevalent social networking has become.”
Read the rest of the story: New York Times
Bruce sez: See? This is reason #242 why I update my facebook status at least nine times a day. Yall thought I was crazy. Now follow me on twitter.
Almost everyone has had the dream: If I could do high school all over again, things would work out so much better. It’s the type of thing (cute) movies are made of. Authorities in Arizona aren’t laughing this week following the arrest of Anthony Avalos, who was fraudulently attending Yuma (Ariz.) Kofa High School. Avalos is 22, having graduated from a high school in Florida in 2005.
He told authorities he went back to school with the hopes of landing a college basketball scholarship. He may land in jail instead.
Avalos is facing charges of forgery and sexual conduct with a minor, according to a press release on the Yuma Police Department web site. Kofa High School and the Yuma Unified High School District No. 70 are facing questions of how Avalos – who attended the school sporadically for parts of two school years – could have pulled off the ruse for so long.
(Click here to read the rest of the story on Rivals High)
Bruce Sez: Damn, this dude stole my fucking idea!!!
If you know me personally, you already know I hate VERY FEW things in LIFE. But a newcomer on that already malnourished list of Things Bruce Hates is SNUGGIE.
The blanket that has sleeves? NAH. But don’t feel bad, I fell for it at first, too. I actually wanted one! Until I saw that bullshit wasn’t anything but a reversed bathrobe with a fucking hood attached.
Now, every time I see this leopard-print joint, I get a chill up my spine… Ironically, my first thought is to order a Snuggie! But with my ass out like I was wearing an Old Navy performance fleece hospital gown, wouldn’t that chill remain?
…Its a vicious circle. I’d have to buy two (and wear one backwards) just to even shit out. It kinda reminds me of those dumb asses who sell a pack of 10 hot dogs. Now, you gotta turn around and buy two 8-packs of buns!
…And by the way: Don’t say shit when Snuggie starts offering “Dope Man” sneakers (Nike Cortez) and cups of Kool-Aid as the special bonuses. I’m just sayin.
This post was inspired by following http://twitter.com/__Millie
“I’m the only one in this room ‘professional enough’ that I know of, to carry this Glock 40.” ***BANG!****
Bruce Sez:
I guess ‘professional enough’ isn’t ‘professional enough’!
This should be called “When being Professional Enough goes wrong”!
He played that shit off extreeeeemely cool though.
Copyright 2010-2011 by Bruce Briggs
