Brucie B Clears His Throat!

Dumb asses like Stella Liebeck (the woman who sat in a spilled cup of hot McDonald’s coffee for 3 minutes, and got PAID) have opened the FLOODGATES for other dumb asses to commit random acts of retardation, file “product liability” lawsuits, and get PAID.

They are the reason we see mindless warnings that make us ask ourselves, “Okay… Is the company retarded? Or just the customer?”  But  behind every one of these warnings, as simple as, “Caution: HOT!” on a Hot Cup of coffee (like they would serve it cold… Please.), there is somebody who is a genius at being a dumb ass.  Somebody who causes these companies to carefully place thoughtless statements on their products, to protect the dying breed of dumb asses who actually read and comprehend.

Here are some of the best warnings I have come across:

Sleeping pills:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

Knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.

Pepper spray:
May irritate eyes.

Cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts. (Write your own joke here: ___________!)

Dishwasher:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.

And my personal favorite:

DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

As a kid, you never had to ask the question, “Where did my lunch go?” You knew the answer. You either traded peanut butter and banana sandwiches for Handi Snacks (What the fuck was in that cheese, anyway?), or somebody’s neglected step-child held you by the ankles, and shook the coins out of your Osh Kosh corduroys.

Yup, those were the days… Everybody was straight-forward and honest.

So what do you do, as an adult, when you find out you have been burglarized at work? AND to add insult to injury, they washed out your tupperware, like they were doing YOU a favor?!

Well, that shit happened to me once.  In the middle of a 14 hour shift as an inbound telemarketer, I discovered that some shady-ass co-worker stole TWO double cheeseburgers out of my (permanent markered) McDonalds sack, leaving behind two rogue french fries and three cold, white napkins..

It was like a bad CSI episode they should’ve aired on the Food Network or some shit…

After a thorough investigation that led nowhere, a friend of mine suggested I make a hamburger patty laced with laxative, replace it with one of the two original patties, and plant it in the refrigerator.  Although the idea was PURE GENIUS, I got lazy, and never went through with it.

But YOU don’t have to suffer the same fate, faithful blog reader! Make a fake lunch. Maybe something of yours they already ate.  Take my friend’s advice, and stop workplace meal theft, dead in its tracks.  Plus, it is ALWAYS entertaining to see somebody violently sprint to the restroom (IF they make it THAT far)!

If Santa was black, we’d sing, ♫ Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Pit Bull… ♫

…We would leave Hennessy and peach cobbler instead of milk and cookies.

…Christmas would be on August 25th.  You know black people don’t like the cold!

…He would wear a custom Coogi suit, and his sleigh would be made by Cadillac.  It has that smooth ride, you know?

…He would probably keep his beard braided like WC from Westside Connection.  But, for heaven’s sake, let’s hope not.

…Instead of lumps of coal, he’d get kids on the naughty list off-brand toys from Family Dollar.

…The only time we would hear him yell out, “Ho, ho, ho… Merry Christmas!”  would be when he flew over downtown Atlanta.

…He would wear red and white, patent-leather Air Jordan sneakers that matched his Coogi.

…He would catch so many B&E (breaking and entering) charges, he wouldn’t get all the toys delivered.

Go for the complete “baldy.”  That “egg-in-the-nest” is NEVER going to hatch. Let it go…

Leaving a voice message is like saying, “Yeah, we have dvd and digital shit, but let’s watch it on VHS, just because we can!” Everybody leaves the room, and you keep it playing anyway.
Lets face it… Its too much work to check a voice message.  You have to call yourself, put in a passcode, and listen to the retarded, robotic voicemail lady spit out numbers and dates like she’s got a mouth full of peanut butter and pine cones.

And if you leave one, what are you going to say? “Call me”?  Irrelevant. I have caller ID. I have already made up my mind whether or not I’m gonna call you back.

“Just calling to say Hi”?  Erroneous. Send a text message.  There really is no excuse. Well, unless you’re a bill collector or telemarketer, and your JOB is to get on peoples fucking nerves. Then, congratulations… You’ve succeeded admirably.

I swear these folks seem to be getting dumber by the hour. One of my facebook friends posted a status about Tiger Woods.  This was one of the comments on that status:
“Thats what he get for messing with white girls. Negroes always seem to forget about niggas in the past who got they stuff chopped off, hung, and came up missing from doing that. History repeats itself but i guess one would forget if they are too busy adding creme to their coffee. You dont hear any of Obama’s sideline hoes, because with a strong black woman at your side, you dont need anything else. Yea, im going in! Lol!”

WTF  is she talking about?!  How about, That’s what he gets for being UNFAITHFUL. It wouldn’t make the story any better or worse if those broads were Venezuelan and Sudanese.

Secondly, Tiger Woods is at least one half Thai, plus his Father is a mixed-race Black. Please don’t get mad because he is living the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, who said, “I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.”

So, by your logic of history repeating itself, Tiger Woods (who is interracial) should divorce his Caucasian wife, the mother of his child, out of fear of being hung or castrated.   In 2009.  In his celebrity status. Fuck outta heeeeere.
History repeats itself, yes.  Especially for dummfux who can’t see that they’re making irrelevant racist statements, while everybody else is progressively living Dr. King’s dream.  We’re bigger than ‘black’. We’re Americans now.

“With a strong black woman at your side, you don’t need anything else”? TRUE. But that doesn’t mean they won’t WANT anything else.  Ask Eric Benet’s dumb ass.  Tiger could’ve had the BLACKEST wife and did the same shit.  She could’ve been so black she was PURPLE. And could recall any black history fact at will.  That doesn’t guarantee he wouldn’t have cheated.

Long story short, RACE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. Black men cheat on black women every day.  PEOPLE cheat on PEOPLE.  That shit’s a fact.  We could even erase gender lines! lol
Faithful blog readers, don’t use your race as a handicap or limitation on who you can and can’t love.  There are too many beautiful people on the planet.
I’m over here having a “dummfux” overload!

PEACE.