Dear Bruce,

I’m self conscious about my body.  I have even considered breast implants…  Do you think that it will turn my future mate off?

Sincerely,

Chesty LaRue

Don't get crazy though.

Dear Chesty,

Your ideal mate won’t give a good got damn whether or not your breasts are fake.  He will love you for you. Saggy, small, big, bloated, whatever.  Any man that doesn’t feel that way isn’t cut out for the job.  Its really that simple.

If you have a question you need answered, write in my facebook honesty box, or http://www.formspring.me/brucebriggs –They’re both ANONYMOUS!  Nobody (including me) will know who you really are!

I hardly “hate” anything in life.

I fucking hate alarm clocks.

So: a CAR alarm in the morning, to me, is like a big, angry, mama-alarm-clock that’s super pissed off cuz you messed with their young.

I went to sleep (and woke up) to the sound of one of my neighbor’s mini-van horns.  A white Chrysler “Town & Country”, to be exact.

But this one has a random ass, red back bumper.  And who the fuck even names a van “Town & Country,” anyway?   Why does that remind me of old porches with cold lemonade?  …Stage coaches, and saloons and shit?

I don’t know… I don’t know.  All I know is, this got damned alarm went off for 12 HOURS. straight.   I seriously considered walking across the street, popping the hood, and ripping the fucking horn out.   BEEEP!  BEEEP! From 10:30 pm, BEEEP!  BEEEP! to 10:30 am.   THAT’S when I decided to

call the poe- LEESE!

Yeah, I snitched.  So what?

Coppers show up 5 ticks later (a RECORD time, for my neighborhood). Knock on the neighbor’s door.  A Sudanese lady comes right out, dressed in her traditionals, and simply TURNS HER SHIT OFF.  Five-O leaves, and the neighborhood is quiet again.

…Huh???

Even though I hadn’t bumped this shit since high school, this song has been stuck in my head for the past 3 days.  Next to Big L, AZ is probably the most underrated emcee of all time.  I had to go out and snatch this album again.   You do the same.

A while ago, somebody asked me, “Why are you so relaxed?   Why don’t you ever rush?”  They didn’t ask in a kind way, either… They were frustrated with me.  They interpreted my mild mannerisms as a lack of motivation.   I calmly, and patiently replied,

When you rush, you look like you’ve lost control.  You feel like you’ve lost control.

Repeat after me: There is no bull behind me.

Earl Nightingale put it best:  ”Go at it as you have never done before…  Not in a hectic fashion-- but with the calm, cheerful assurance that time well spent will give you the abundance and return that you want.”

Remember --  This is not Double Dare.  There is no :30 second timer.  Chill the fuck out.

If you still don’t get it, they wrote a song about it.  Like ta hear it?  Here it go.